As many of those who are personally acquainted with me now know, I am voluntarily taking a year off from any and all serious relationships. This was a very hard decision, as I was coming up on my second year anniversary with my beloved, and I have zero desire to really be with anyone but him in a serious way. But as my relationship was being strengthened and deepened, I realized that I wasn’t making any decisions for myself- everything was in reaction to something that my partner or my family or my friends wanted. This was not particularly their fault- it just so happens that I did everything my mother told me until the age of twelve, and since the age of twelve have not been single for more than three months. In those ten years, a lot has happened to me: I was a victim of physical and sexual abuse, I graduated high school, I graduated college, I published a poetry collection and two novels, as well as several single poems and short stories, I gained friends, lost friends, was misdiagnosed with anxiety and OCD and then correctly and informally diagnosed with high-functioning autism, discovered my own asexuality and polyamory, and went in and out of at least three different career tracks. Through all that I was learning about myself, but I was learning about myself insofar with how that would affect others and what that would mean for me in my interaction with others.
To grow in any way, whether it be with my family, friends or in my serious relationships, I need some time to be with myself. To date myself, as it were, to realize what all of this means for me and who I am and who I want to be and how I want to deal with that. It’s going to be difficult and already part of me is regretting this decision deeply- but I feel that this is an emptiness that I need to face up to, head on, if I want to be a better person at all.
Along with that, I have made the decision to document this year of my life in a kind of informal collection, Trapped in Amber. This is not going to be my best work, and a lot of it is going to be muddled up, confused, whiny and just all around bad writing. I will most likely post any of the good material that comes out of this on this blog, so look forward to seeing those come up. If you’d like to be part of the entire journey, I’ll be dumping all of the poems (good and bad) onto my Webook and Wattpad projects. Writing is the best medium I have for working through my feelings and it is also the most honest. I am posting these poems mostly to validate my own feelings, as well as to strengthen a sense of pride in myself, the good and the bad parts, that I really need during this process. Feel free to go to the full projects and comment where you will (and don’t feel bad about being harsh- I’m working to be a professional poet, afterall, and criticism is divorced from my personal feelings), or to wait for me to create something that I am proud enough of to post on here or my Tumblr. As much as I am mostly afraid of being faced with being with ‘just me’ for a full year, I am excited for the potential that this brings to my self-growth.
As always, prayers and support are always appreciated.